RON vs THE EVIL DEAD
by FAH3
Summary: Sequel to Something Twisted This Way Comes. After being sucked into a vortex, Ron and Shego must face an army of the undead in order to find a way home. WARNING: Has graphic language and violence.


My name is Ron Stoppable, and I have done terrible things. And it all started on spring break. My fellow co-worker, Josh Mankey, and my girlfriend Yori decided to do something different for the week long holiday. So along with Josh's girlfriend, Tarra, and her friend Bonnie Rockwaller, we went to a cabin deep in the Tennessee woods that Josh knew about. The plan was to stay in it while the owner's weren't there. Instead, we found something else.

"_Log entry number two for Dr. Mark Knowby, professor of Ancient History. I believe I have made a very significant find in my travels to Eastern Europe. Along with the help of my daughter Shelia and her boyfriend Drew, we found the ancient ruins of the castle of Candar. Inside the rear chamber of the castle we found something incredible. Necrinomicon Ex-Mortis. Roughly translated, it means 'Book of the Dead.'"_

An archeologist had recorded himself translating an ancient book he had found in Europe. When we played back the recording, we ended up unleashing something – horrible into our world. It first came after Josh's girlfriend, Tarra.

_"JOSH! HELP ME! RON! BONNIE!" Tara was screaming for dear life as the trees sounded like they were laughing and calling to her at the same time. All she wanted was for them to let her go. "JOSH! SAVE ME!" Tara screamed as she tried to look back to the cabin._

_Her eyes widened in horror when she saw the door of the cabin. Standing in the doorway was her, but it was also something else. By the light of the living room and the moon, she could see a look of sinister malice on its face while it smiled at her. The other version of her waved at her before slamming the front door closed while several more roots bolted from the ground and wrapped themselves around Tara's legs. With one massive pull, Tara lost her grip on the tire while her nails scratched it the rubber deep enough for air to begin seeping out._

_"JOSH!" Tara screamed as she was dragged deeper into the woods. _

When we found her the next morning, we tried to leave. The one problem was that it wouldn't let us leave and destroyed our main way of escaping. Later on, whatever it was that had attacked Tara came back and possessed her and wounded Yori. We were able to lock her in the cellar, but that was only the beginning. Then, it took over Bonnie, and Josh was forced to kill her.

_"__**What's wrong, Josh? Can't get it up like that time we tried to sleep together?"**__ Bonnie asked._

_"Bitch!" Josh said as he aimed and fired the first barrel._

_Blood flew as the buckshot tore and ripped through flesh and bone at close range. A visible hole was now in the center of Bonnie's chest as she staggered backwards and wiped the blood from her face. Both Ron and Josh looked on in horror as they could actually see what was left of her heart still beating and pumping out blood inside of her body and making blood flow all down her chest. She looked down at the wound for a brief moment before looking back at Josh with a very angry look and another snarl. Josh pulled the trigger again, firing the other barrel and watched as her throat exploded and sent her flying backwards and out the front door._

Josh tried to escape while I was left alone to look after Yori and try and fight against whatever it was that had surrounded us. It tried to persuade me to join, but I refused. Instead, it got into my right hand. So I was forced to cut it off with a chainsaw, but the little bastard still didn't die. When Josh came back, the worst thing happened. Yori had become possessed and killed Josh. Against my will, I beheaded Yori with an axe before her body came after me with the chainsaw.

_"It's time to die, you old hag." Ron said._

_"__**You found me beautiful once."**__ Yori's head said to him._

_"Honey, you got real ugly." Ron said as he pulled the trigger for both barrels of the shotgun. _

As if things couldn't get anymore bizarre, my old enemies Shego and Dr. Drakken showed up with some redneck. I told them what had happened and they thought I was nuts. That is, until Dr. Drakken became possessed and tried to finish the job Yori started.

_"__**You are all doomed! None of you will make it out alive!"**__ the deadite shouted at Ron._

_"That's funny." Ron grunted before he shoved both barrels into Drew's nose. "Neither are you."_

_Both barrels blew Drew's face off in an explosion of blood, bone, and brain matter that fell across the living room like a sick shower of rain. _

So far, what was to be a trip of wacky fun was turning into a sick nightmare. Come to find out that a few missing pages from the Necrinomicon that Shego found was the only way to beat this thing and the only way to save our lives. In them was a story of a man in 1300 known as the Hero From the Sky. Supposedly, he and some strange burning woman were the only ones to defeat this thing before. So the redneck threw the pages we needed into the cellar with Tara and tried to force us to leave with him. I don't know what happened, but I had become possessed. In all the confusion, Shego tried to stab me. Instead, she impaled the redneck.

_Jake stumbled back into the cabin, leaning against the door as he clutched the weapon that had been driven into his gut. His breaths were quivering as he looked down at his overalls that were begging to turn dark from blood as he saw the hideous skeleton sculpture of the dagger's handle staring back at him._

_"Damn it, woman! What the hell is wrong with you?" Jake shouted through the pain._

_"I-I'm sorry! I w-was trying to get Ron." She said to him and was rewarded with a glare from Jake._

_"Do I look like I'm six three? Missing a hand?" he asked and groaned in pain from the wound. "Do I look a God damn demon to you?" He shouted to her one more time before wincing in pain again._

_Sheila wrapped one of his arms around his shoulder and helped him to get back into the cabin. They didn't get far as she found out that the man weighed a ton. She quickly let him lay on the floor as she tried to find something to help put pressure on the wound. She couldn't risk removing it since she didn't know if she had punctured an artery or not. For now, all she could do was try and make him comfortable._

_"Grab the gun! That thing's still out there. We're gonna have to kill it if – if it comes back." Jake said as he began to feel weaker and could swear that the wound was becoming worse._

_"We've got to take care of you first." Sheila said to him._

_"Woman, would you just,"_

_"__**Remember me?"**__ Tara shouted as both of her arms bolted out from the space of the fruit cellar and grabbed Jake by his chin._

_Jake began to scream in pain as her fingers punctured through the skin and fat and began to take a firm hold on Jake's jaw bone and began to pull him toward the small opening. Sheila saw what was happening and quickly ran back toward Jake and grabbed his legs to try and keep him from being pulled in with whatever was lurking in the fruit cellar. Jake was screaming bloody murder as Tara and Sheila kept pulling on him like a rope in tug of war, with Tara winning. Jake's head was already inside the cellar, but his large stomach was keeping him from going any further. Sheila kept pulling harder on his legs, trying to being him back out. When she felt something go slack, she screamed as she saw that both of Jake's legs had been ripped off at the knees._

_Without Sheila pulling on him, Tara began to forcibly pull Jake into the cellar. Jake was still screaming as she watched him being pulled in, the wood of the chained cellar door tearing away parts of his clothes and his skin as she pulled him in. Sheila screamed even louder as she saw the dagger became lodged in between the boards of the cellar door and cut Jake open as he was being pulled in. She could see his muscles and intestines spilling onto the floor and soon be dragged down into the cellar with him as his screams echoed throughout the lower part of the cabin. Soon, his screams stopped. All sounds of movement that had been coming from the cellar had stopped. Sheila was on the verge of crying and shaking like a leaf as she kicked Jake's ripped legs away from her. She slowly crawled over to the cellar door and lifted it as far as it could go as she tried to peak inside._

_"Jake?" she asked in a small whimper._

_Sheila was rewarded with a massive torrent of blood splashing upward and covered her face and arms. Sheila screamed as loud as she could as she backed away from the cellar door as far and as fast as she could as she saw blood still pumping out from between the cracks in the floor board. _

I was able to force the evil out of me. How, I'm still not sure. But Shego and I knew our only hope was in the pages the redneck had thrown into the cellar. Shego altered the chainsaw to fit on my stump while I sawed off part of the shotgun's barrels. It was time to carve us up a witch. After a nasty fight, I got the pages. I also had a few words with Tara as well.

_"You know, I'm getting really sick and tired of you trying to kill me." Ron said as he drew the sawed off shotgun and aimed it at her. "You see this? This is my BOOMSTICK! It's a twelve gauge, double barreled Remington, S-Mart's top of the line. You can find it in the Sporting Goods department. This sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan; retails for about one-hundred and nine ninety-five. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right, shop smart. Shop S-Mart. YOU GOT THAT?" Ron shouted at the possessed girl._

_"__He's really lost it."__ Sheila thought to herself._

_"__**I'll swallow your soul! I'll swallow your soul!"**__ Tara shouted as she began to step out of the cellar._

_"SWALLOW THIS, BITCH!" Ron shouted as he aimed and fire both barrels._

_Tara's head exploded like an over ripe melon, sending pieces of flesh, bone, and brain all over the cabin as blood spurted like a fountain from what was left of her head. The body staggered for a minute before it fell over and tumbled down the stairs and back into the cellar with a loud crash and thud. Sheila just stared at Ron as he reloaded the gun, spun it, and placed it back in the holster._

Hey. Good, bad, I was the one with the gun. Shego and I didn't even have a moment to try and re-group before the woods themselves began attacking. Shego read the passages and brought the thing into a physical form. The thing attacked, and I tried to keep it occupied while Shego read the last few pages. The good news? She opened a portal that sucked the thing back to where it came from. The bad news? The damn portal couldn't tell the difference between good and evil. And that's how we got into this situation we're in now.

_"I thought you said it was supposed to take away the evil!" Ron shouted._

_"It did! But the portal doesn't know the difference between good guys and bad guys!" Sheila shouted as the counter top came loose while they still clung to it for dear life. They soon stopped as the counter top's length prevented it from going through the kitchen entrance. But no matter how hard they tried, their grips were beginning to weaken._

_"FOR GOD'S SAKE, HOW DO YOU STOP IT?" Ron shouted as loud as he could._

_That's was when the countertop split in two, making both Sheila and Ron loosing their grip. Everything around them was a blur as they soon found themselves hurtling into the void. Everything around them was a mass of colors and images as they were flung backwards through the streams of time and space. Everything around them seemed to be going in reverse as they sped away from where the cabin stood as they continued to spin. It may have been only seconds, minutes, maybe even days that they spent in the vortex._

* * *

"If you and her were sent back to 1300, how did you get back?" the kid asked him.

"Trust me, kid. That's one story you don't want to know." Ron said to him.

FAH3 presents

**RON vs THE EVIL DEAD!**

The skies were a clear crisp blue as white clouds were scattered across it. Below, the fields of Britania were a beautiful and peaceful green. Flowers were in bloom as the creatures of the untouched land went about on their normal lives. Sadly, that peace was shattered as the thunderous pounding of hooves shook the ground as a battalion of armored knights rode across the land. Their horse's kicked up several mounds of dirt and vegetation as they drew their swords and gave a ferocious cry of battle. Soon, the grass and soil were stained a deep red as the blades of the knights cut through cloth and chainmail, and ripped open the flesh of the warriors that were wearing them.

Bodies began to fall as the knights showed no mercy to the soldiers wearing red and gold tunics. Any who were still left standing were soon forced to face another horror. The entire army of Lord Arthur began its full charge against the survivors of the first wave with nothing but bloodlust set into their minds. But every man there knew what might happen as soon as they had marched onto this field of battle. If they were to die today, they would do their best to take several of their enemies with them. For God and glory, they would shed their enemies blood before their bodies would run cold.

What would have been a gruesome battle that history would surely have recorded for all of history was halted when a giant flash in the skies above them. The sounds of a thousand thunderclaps echoed across the land with it before the bursts of light finally stopped. All was quiet once more as all the armed men looked to the heavens above them. For a brief moment, they could see nothing. But soon, one sound could be heard as several objects were beginning to fall from the sky. A sound that sounded like

"ssshhhhhhiiiiIIIIIIITTTTT!"

The first to crash in the middle of the two warring factions was a strange and large metal beast that seemed to belch out shards of glass as soon as it hit the ground. Following it were several branches and plants before two figures landed in the middle of the battle field. The warriors began to gather around the two figures, wondering what had landed among them. They looked human, but wore strange robes. The man with blonde hair was covered in dried blood, and looked like he had been a horrendous battle. A strange sword was attached to his arm as something strange looking was strapped to his back. The woman's clothes also had blood on them, and was very pale with a slight shade of green to her. Two strange people falling from they sky, covered in blood, and looking like they had just in battle. Of course there was a simple and logical explanation they could think of for this.

"DEADITES!" one warrior shorted as the two figures stood to their feet.

"What?" the blonde man asked as all the people around them drew their weapons and aimed them at the two figures.

"Where are we? A Renaissance Festival?" the woman asked herself.

"They fell from the sky! They must be deadites!" a knight shouted.

"SLAY THEM!"

"SLAY THE INHUMAN MONSTERS!" various knights on both sides began shouting. And what was worse, all of them were agreeing with the knights.

"This doesn't look good." Ron said as he readied the chainsaw that was on his stump.

"If it's a fight you screw heads want, I'll give you a royal ass kicking!" Sheila said as her hands flared to life with green plasma. Her plasma seemed to scare most of them, but only for a moment before they were tightening the ranks again. It looked like this fight wasn't going to be pretty at all.

"DEADITE!" another knight shouted as he looked away and pointed to the sky.

All of them turned and looked up to see what the knight was shouting about and screamed in a mixture that was both horror and terror. What may have been human once was flying toward them. It looked like a sick a mutated corpse that had tried to reshape itself into that of a buzzard or a condor. It looked like Dr. Frankenstein had gotten on a drunken bender and decided to experiment with left over parts from his previous creations.

"**I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!"** the hideous creature screamed as all the gathered knights ran away screaming. Ron on the other hand had a very angry look on his face as he reached behind his back and pulled out his double barreled shotgun.

"Can't these things think of anything else to say? For the last time; SHUT, THE FUCK, UP!" Ron shouted as loud as he could as he aimed and pulled the trigger.

The creature's head exploded in a mass of red, bone, and other fluids and tissues in a way similar to the way Tara's head had exploded back at the cabin in the woods. Unable to control its decent, the bizarre creature crashed into a massive pile of rocks and skidded a few paces before coming to a stop in a bloody scattered mess. All the soldiers looked at the dead creature in quiet awe before looking at Ron and Sheila. For a moment, no one moved or did anything as they looked at the two strangers. Everything was deathly quiet as they gazed at them while the army in red and gold ran away.

"He – saved us." One of the knights said. Soon, all of them were saying the same thing as Ron and Sheila stayed cautious.

"HAIL THE HERO FROM THE SKY!" one soldier shouted, causing the others to cheer at the same time. The cries of praise were almost deafening as Ron raised a curious eyebrow. As the knights cheered, Sheila looked like she was fixing to pass out.

"Hero from the sky? Oh sweet Jesus." Sheila said to herself.

"What's wrong?" Ron asked her as he noticed the look on her face.

"Ron, that drawing. Remember? It was about a man that was called the Hero from the Sky." She said to him.

"So?" Ron asked, completely clueless to what she was trying to say to him.

"Ron, listen to these guys. That's what they're calling you! Don't you see? That drawing from the Necronomicon was us! You're the one it was talking about!" she said to him as Ron's eyes widened in shock.

"It – it can't be." Ron said to himself as he began to turn pale. He quickly turned to the nearest knight and grasped his arm with his good hand. "Hey buddy! What's the year?"

"The year, sir knight?" the man asked him in a thick English accent.

"Yeah. The year." Ron quickly said.

"Why, it is the year our Lord, 1300." The man replied.

It was true. Everything Sheila had just told him was true. They were in the past! As the throng of knights continued to cheer Ron onward with their praise as a worried Sheila stood behind him, Ron looked to the heavens as he began to shout in heart pounding anguish

**"NO!"**


End file.
